Facing the Reaper
by Simone17
Summary: ...the cruel truth remained the same. I had married a monster. The only saving grace from the nightmare of my own mistakes; my son. My beautiful son. A little insight into the mindset of one Dr. Samantha Ryan and the turmoil she faced in the season final


Author's Note: I paused halfway through the finale to write this. All the credit goes to 'my person'. Who by some stroke of oddness disagreed with me on the character of one Samantha Ryan.(We don't really disagree on anything…ever.) I know a LOT of people don't like the Doc **at all**, much less paired with Gibbs. Which is mostly because we _love to hate _Gibbs' love interests, cause lets just be honest, we all want him ;). Anyway, this is just my opinion, so please don't take it personally (that means no flames!)

Disclaimer: Am I a genius? Sure. But not even I, am amazing enough to create something as mind-blowing incredible as NCIS, that was someone else. As for who created Leroy Jethro Gibbs, I'm convinced that God is the only entity who can take credit for something **that** AWESOME! The only profit I gain from this story, is to hopefully give some insight into the often misunderstood character of Dr. Ryan.

Now without any further ramblings of a mad woman…

* * *

I wanted to stay.

Honest to God, I wanted to stand by his side.

To help him face Dearing and save lives.

I did.

I wanted nothing more in this world than to be the strong fearless woman that I portrayed myself as, except maybe the death of my ex-husband. But Dearing had found my weak spot. Classic head gamer stuff, that's what Gibbs had said, and he had only been wrong in his assumption that I didn't already know that.

But the cruel truth remained the same. I had married a monster. The only saving grace from the nightmare of my own mistakes; my son. My beautiful son.

Nothing at all like me, he was so much stronger. And nothing, nothing! Like his monster of a father.

It was odd really, and entirely unexpected, how much he reminded me of Gibbs. How two people whom I lov-cared so much about, who had never even met, could be so much a like.

I see so much of my little boy with his boat drawings in that cool-headed, coffee-drinking, Marine.

Gibbs coming into my life saved me in more ways than one. Even as he challenged me more than anyone else ever had, even when he got so close. And threatened to tear down every wall I had strived to build, he gave me peace of mind. Laid to rest my biggest fear.

The one thing that terrified me more than my ex-husband was that someday…somehow, against all my prayers and my overprotecting something would reach into my incredible little boy's soul and tear it out. Leaving nothing but a monster like his father behind.

I've told myself since I found out I was carrying him. That it would never happen. That I would never _let _it happen. He is too full of goodness and to in love with the search for truth and justice for all.

But the greatest scar a nightmare leaves behind. Is the fear that when you close you eyes, let you guard down to rest and recharge, it'll happen again. When you least expect it.

Meeting Leroy Jethro Gibbs for the first time, was like meeting my Parker thirty years from now. The more I got to know him, the more I knew that it would be okay. That Parker would turn out tp be far greater than I could ever hope far.

I wish I could tell Gibbs that. Maybe it would help him understand. If only I could find a way to tell him it would explain it all.

Understand how much I care, how much he means to me. Know that he and Parker are all that matter to me. He would finally see how far past my barriers he has come.

He thinks I'm holding back, and in some ways I am. After all I'm only human, and a damaged one at that. But I don't think he has any idea just how far into my heart he's wedged himself.

So stubborn, so tenacious.

So resilient.

I wish I was more like that. More like him and Parker. Maybe then I could drop those last few floundering walls and really, really let Jethro in. I know I'd be a better person for it.

He has challenged me more than my greatest opponent. Where my ex-husband tore me down, Jethro has-in all his all-mighty Gibbsness-built me up again. More importantly, he made me _want _something enough to risk my heart to reach it.

It'll always be my greatest regret, that Liam has once again taken away my dream, my strength. From the moment I found out he had been released, I knew I would run. It may seem weak or cowardly, it probably is, but everyone has a weakness.

For Gibbs, it was the memory of Shannon and Kelly. 'God I hope they knew how lucky they were. To have him.' And he faced it, it took him years! And took an immeasurable amount of strength, but he came out at the other end of the tunnel.

That's what he wanted for me. For the first time in my life I found a man who wanted something 'for' me instead of 'from' me. And now I have to walk away,

What's worse is that he'll think that he failed. Failed to help me face my demons like he did his. But he's forgetting, it took him nearly a lifetime of running and evading to prepare to face his own. And I'm just not there yet. If only we had had more time.

For all my efforts to stay strong around him, to be his equal in every way, to earn his respect and keep it. Now I'll run, and lose it all. Such is the price I must pay.

I have no delusions, I will look back and regret this for the rest of my days. I'll never let myself forget that I looked an opportunity of love and happiness in the face and ran.

Fight or flight.

For so long I have fought everything that crossed my path. Flight only becoming an option when absolutely nothing else was available. In other words, pertaining to protecting my son and staying as far always from Liam as humanly possible.

I knew he would come back. Its like a horror film; There's always a sequel, each one worse than the one before. That's why I held back as long as I did. A few more months with Dr. Leroy Jethro and I would have been defenseless and swooning at his feet.

As I went to leave. he grabbed my arm. Anyone else and I would have put them on the ground. But the only thing that crossed my mind, was that he was fighting for me, when I was too afraid to fight for myself.

God, how I could have loved this man!

* * *

SO? Love her or hate her. I hope this made you **really** think about what she's been through in her past and what she's felt during her time in the lives of our favorite NCIS team. There are certain characters in some shows that I **refuse** to like, or even give a chance. But the Doc has struck a cord with me, so I felt the urge to stand up for her. And my evil-genius-mastermind plan worked, my beloved beta admitted defeat and actually said she was starting to like Dr. Ryan, not just 'my' version, but the character herself. She was cursing with she said it, but she said it :D MISSION SUSCESSFULL.


End file.
